Hillary Clinging to Only Remaining Strategy

In another one of my satirical attempts to understand the Clinton campaign, I have gotten a hold of the weekend schedule of Hillary Clinton. Since her ride-along with an Indiana working man was so immensely successful and served the purpose of demonstrating that Senator Clinton comes from white, working class, God-fearing folks, she is really going for broke just days before the all-important Indiana primary next Tuesday.
Beginning Saturday morning, Hillary has scored a huge coup by getting herself hired on to Indiana Department of Highways road crew where she’ll show up at 6:00 to pave one mile of I-65. So that he wouldn’t be left out, the Clinton campaign announced that Bill Clinton has been temporarily hired by a Dunkin Donuts just outside of Valparaiso.
At 10:00, Bill and Hillary, in their work clothes, are to meet at the St. Stephen’s soup kitchen in Gary where they’ll stand in the long line for a hot meal and an opportunity to wear clean clothing. They’ll quickly hit the road in opposite directions and Hillary will appear at 1:15 at a La Porte senior center where she’s scheduled to clean toilets at the 22 bed facility. Bill, on the other hand, will quickly change into his swimsuit as he heads to his next assignment as a lifeguard on Lake Shafer, where the Clinton campaign has cleverly arranged for an unemployed, uninsured woman to almost drown, prompting Hillary, interrupting her discussion of poor elder care in Indiana, to laud her husband and remind everyone that under her presidency, that woman would have had automatic insurance coverage in case the drowning girl would have needed medical care.
At 6:00, Hillary is due to have dinner at the home of Elsie and Elmer Flotsom of Fort Wayne, whose home was just foreclosed on and will be forced to leave the property ironically on primary day. Senator Clinton in her prepared speech will point out that the senator and his wife are taking the weekend off, dining in their nearby multi-million-dollar mansion in the posh Southern Chicago neighborhood that is mere blocks from the home of his best friend, fellow polo enthusiast former Republican Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert.
On Sunday morning, the Clintons will once again meet up at a Kokomo Methodist church where they have invited the media to videotape the sermon of Pastor Humbert Dilbert. His sermon is incredibly entitled “Bland, Mainstream and Mundane…New Lessons to Live By.” Directly after the service, a photo op is scheduled with the pastor and several pre-selected greeters animatedly speaking with the Clintons.
Once again the Clintons will immediately head to different Indiana locations, with Hillary’s motorcade racing to a Muncie trucking company where she will discuss her new holiday gas tax proposal with truckers who can’t afford to hit the roads with half-full truckloads. In her prepared remarks, she is hoping to convince two handpicked drivers to look enthusiastic as she explains that they can save up to $28 during the summer in their private cars, not to mention almost double if they drive 75 miles to the yard.
Bill Clinton will make a 1:00 appearance at a Bloomington Raceway tractor pull where he will take his seat in the bleacher seats, and with the media staying just within earshot, the adoring crowd will hear Bill tell them that he always sits in the cheapest seats at events. He will additionally point out that although he earned many millions of dollars last year, he gives the vast majority of it to several well chosen charities and therefore is only able to attend events like this if he buys the most inexpensive ticket.
Based on the photo ops and well orchestrated stunts that the Clintons have been staging in Indiana recently, I wouldn’t put any of these events past them. I deserve a dollar from each one of you reading this if any of these made up events actually take place as I’ve described them.